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Am I Really A Father ?
She was born the 29th of November, 1978, just as the sun was rising. I was in absolutely no shape to be a father at that time in my whirlwind life. I was a heavy user of, primarily, beer and pot and my spiritual leanings were in danger of falling right over. I got a decent job and let her mother know I'd give them financial help. She told me she didn't want me or my money... I've always felt she was totally right in her decision. Why burden a new child with a father that could rarely make an intelligent decision; why let a man claim fatherhood when all he donated was sperm? To be fair to my daughter's mother, beyond recognizing the righteous decision she made in kicking me out, when my daughter reached her twelfth birthday, her mother shared pictures and gave her a short biographical update on me. Shortly after that, she told me that it was totally up to me if my daughter and I had a relationship--she wasn't going out of her way to facilitate the connection. My daughter's mother is a strong woman and a fair woman. My daughter is a strong woman and now a mother--I have a grandson... It may have taken me thirty years to wise up to what life is really about but, once that piece of the puzzle is mastered and I can contribute to their lives in a meaningful way, I can earn the right to enjoy and contribute to their lives. It's not easy to bear the burden of unrealized fatherhood. Yet, it's not hopeless like it was for so many years. I know my daughter loves me (still mad at me? sure!) and she's extended the invitation to visit and get to know my grandson. I can't ask for more and I pray I can live up to the offer... Three years ago, I published my first book of poetry. I dedicated it to my daughter. Here's the dedication poem I wrote for her: Not really knowing what to say;
Only knowing there's
So much...
Not even knowing how to say
Except with poetic crutch.
The years all lost,
The times unspent
Make understanding dim...
But,
My heart's non-stop in
Loving you; and, even on this limb of
Shaky, distant fatherhood and
struggling
Moral worth, I need to make
This absolute:
The world will praise
Your
Birth!
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http://amzoltai.wordpress.com/2008/09/05/free-book-downloads/
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